Kobayashi Maru
by aprylynn
Summary: Kensi and Deeks are in a no win situation.


**A/N:** _This was inspired by the edit and tags from this post (hermionesmydawg dot tumblr dot com/post/107754377120) by Hdawg herself (she is very inspiring!). Sadly, I own nothing. Otherwise I could make stuff like this actually happen._

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><p><em>This is all my fault.<em>

As Deeks stared at Kensi, unconscious and lying in a hospital bed, this thought would not leave his mind.

_This is all my fault._

They had been ambushed. Before they knew it, they were outnumbered. Help was on the way, but time was running out. Bullets zoomed by. Everyone was shouting. He finally heard their back up arrive, storming the building. When he caught sight of his partner, she was on the ground, bleeding and gasping for breath. He was immediately at her side, telling her to stay with him, begging her to hold on.

_I should have been watching her. I should have been protecting her. It should be me in that bed. This is all my fault._

She was stable now. The doctor said the surgery was a success. She was strong and healthy and she would make a full recovery. He could hear her heartbeat through the monitor, telling him that she was still with him. But he just couldn't forgot the image of Kensi Blye, the most important person on the planet, on the ground, life leaving her body…

_This is all my fault._

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><p>She opened her eyes and immediately regretted it. Her head felt like it was about to split open and every muscle in her body ached. The worst of it came from her left side. She moved her head to look around the room and what she saw made the pain of opening her eyes worth it.<p>

"Deeks…"

He looked up, stunned for a moment. "Kensi…" He got out of his chair that he had been sitting in for hours and moved towards her. He wanted to grab her, hold her, kiss her, pick her up, carry her out of this place. But he'd have to settle for sitting on the edge of her bed while gently stroking the back of her hand. "Kens… I can't… I'm so glad you're alright."

"I don't feel alright." She tried to smile, but even this was difficult. Her eyes were still adjusting to the room, but she could tell he was exhausted, stressed, worried sick. "You okay?"

He laughed, but there was no humor in his voice. "Me? Don't worry about me. You're the one who's hurt." His voice broke a little. "I'm fine."

"You sure?" She asked because his expression said that he was anything but fine. She hoped he wouldn't say it again. She hoped they were past hiding their weaknesses from each other and brushing off their insecurities, and not saying what they actually meant. "Deeks…" She turned her hand over and squeezed his with as much strength as she could gather. "Talk to me."

He finally said out loud what had been going through his mind all day. "This was my fault. I should have been watching you. I should have been able to protect you. I…"

"Please, stop it… it's not your fault."

"It's my job to keep you safe. You got hurt. I almost lost you."

She didn't have the strength to argue with him. She desperately wanted him to stop punishing himself… but she knew if their positions had been reversed, if it had been him in this bed, she would be feeling the exact same way.

"I've been thinking." He looked down at their joined hands. "About our jobs. About us as partners and more. It's a no win situation."

All she could do was furrow her brow.

"We're already in this too deep. We can't go back to the way things used to be between us. It'd just be impossible. But this… what happened to you today… was inevitable. One day it was going to be one of us. Someone was going to get hurt. And one day it'll happen again… and we may not be so lucky…"

"You know," She was feeling more awake and tried another smile. "This is a real downer of a conversation after just getting shot."

He smiled and shook his head. "Kens, you are so not funny."

"Come on. I'm at least a little funny now."

"Not even close."

"Okay… but tell me if I got this right. While I've been busy getting shot and sewn back together and pumped full of drugs, you've been sitting there, blaming yourself for everything that's happened and second guessing all the choices we've made in our relationship and thinking up all the ways that this can and will end tragically. Did I get it right?"

"Wow… that was amazingly coherent and accurate considering the amount of drugs they probably have you on right now." He bit his bottom lip, took a deep breath, and interlaced their fingers. "We can't win… because of what we mean to each other and this dangerous job… the likelihood that it'll end badly is so high."

These were certainly not new thoughts he was sharing with her. Not a day went by without these same worries clouding her own mind. Something had to give though. They couldn't live their lives constantly fearing the worst. "Deeks, I think you've forgotten that there's another option."

"What's that?"

"If we can't win no matter what… then we quit playing the game."

A look of sheer confusion settled on his face. "What?"

"I chose this job long before I met you. You have nothing to do with me putting myself in dangerous situations. And any time I want, I can stop doing it."

"But Kens…"

"And the same goes for you. This job was your choice. And nothing is saying that we're tied to these jobs forever. That we're just buying our time until something terrible happens."

"So… you're saying you want us to quit?"

She smiled. "Not really. At least not yet. I just… I don't want to be consumed by worry. I want to enjoy our time together. And if that means stopping what we do…" She mustered what strength she had left and leaned towards him (thank goodness her bed wasn't fully reclined or else she never would have made it). She gently pressed her lips to his. "Then I'd do it in a heartbeat."

He wrapped his arm around her, steadying her, savoring how amazing it felt to hold her after this horrible day. "You'd do that… for us?"

"For us… for you… I'm all in. Remember?"

He kissed softly. "I'd do that for you, too."

"Good." She leaned her forehead against his. "Now… can we stop talking about this for now? Because the room is starting to spin and I think I should lie down again."

"Of course." He eased her back down. "Do you need anything else?"

"No… I think I need to sleep some more."

He brushed strands of hair out of her face. "Whatever you say, Fern."

She closed her eyes and smiled. "I hate it when you call me that."

"No, you don't. You love it."

"Hmmm… you're right." She was already drifting off to sleep.

"In fact, whenever you say you hate me, you really mean you love me."

"So everyday is opposite day?"

"Absolutely."

After a few minutes, when he thought she had fallen asleep, she quietly spoke. "Deeks?"

"Yeah? I'm still here."

"You're right… I love you…"

He felt a tightness in his chest. He cleared his throat, hoping to avoid sounding emotional. "Wow. You admitted I was right _and_ said I love you. This is the best day ever."

"Don't get used to it. I'm sure it's the drugs talking..."

"Too late." He smiled, leaned forward and kissed her forehead. "I love you, too."


End file.
